May already? Where does the time go?
Time passes so quickly. Caysen is two months shy of 2. I can't believe it! I'm 3 months out from losing my best friend. It seems so short, yet like an eternity. Our lives are but a mist, as it says in James 4. Hard to keep that in perspective, but we will be reunited. Must. Focus. On. That. It's still so difficult, getting further away. You know, the distance and space of time. It's all really hard to wrap my brain around and to fully comprehend.
Pain is still so strong at times, and at others leaves a smile on my face. It's weird how it does that. God doesn't protect us from the pain, but he calls us on these paths. And its on these paths that so often its incredibly painful before it's beautiful. It is hard to focus on the beauty in the midst of pain. I know there is beauty in the fact that she is happy, healthy, hearing, whole, loved. Doesn't mean it isn't still painful, though. This translates into many other parts of my life. It is incredibly painful to watch my child undergo procedures or surgeries and to not be able to take his pain. It can be physically painful for me to hold him down while he cries out wanting me to save him. But in the end, I can look at his journey and see how beautiful it has been. How strong and brave he is, the courage that he has. It reminds me what a testimony he has to share with others, and most importantly the new and valuable relationships he has brought to my life.
A smart friend of mine said that "insecurity breeds lies and vulnerability breeds trust". Learn to be vulnerable. Be honest and open. It takes bravery, but it allows you to be restored in a way that only God can do. Trust is the single hardest thing to do, because when you trust, you have to believe in others. You wear your heart on your sleeve and risk being hurt much easier and deeper than others. But by trusting others, you are allowing yourself to see true beauty that you can't see if you are guarded and closed.
Having those people in your life that you can count on. That you can call on to understand you or just "get it", are imperative. Knowing that no matter what happens, you have that person/people on your side, it's a true gift. Don't let those people go. The ones that fight for you, when you forget how to fight. They are a true treasure, with the God given ability to pick you up when no one else can.
And the greatest of these is Love.
Love and appreciation for those that have impacted my life is ever present. I am better able to recognize what is important in my life, my list of priorities has definitely changed. Don't take a single second for granted! Love is never wrong, and is always worth it, even if it causes pain or heartbreak. I love to love. This includes people, friends and family, as unconditionally and strongly as I am able. Why? Becuase that is how God loves us. "His love is fierce, it is strong, it is furious". God's love for us is so deep, that we can KNOW that he never starts something without having a plan. We may not see the end, or understand it when we get to it, but He has his reasonings. Maybe its because he's saving us from a future we can't understand, or torment we don't deserve. God can help us to heal, He loves us. In His arms we can know the true meaning of love. I've learned the beauty of loving others as Christ loved us. It's one of the best things we can do, and despite the pain, the vulnerability, and the sacrifices, it's truly one of the most honest and rewarding things to do.
Just some quick thoughts on this Cinco de Mayo.