The Family Addition::How Does the Love Grow?

Using my rearview mirror the other day I looked back at my little boy in his car seat, chattering away about the red, yellow and green lights. It struck me how big he looked. So tall, his face thinned out, I noticed there's not much baby chub left on his face. His shorter hair after a haircut made him look that much more grown, the adorable little sparkle in his eye as he talks to me and catches me sneaking a glimpse of him in the rearview. It struck me, hitting me like a ton of bricks and almost taking my breath away, that he won't be my baby much longer. It won't be too long before there is an infant seat next to him. Until he has to share his Daddy's and my affection with another human being. He will have half the attention, half our time, and I worry that half the love isn't enough.

I know that people say your love will grow. It will multiply and there will be plenty to go around. That doesn't change the fact that I worry how that's possible. It's one of those things that it's hard to believe until you experience it. I'm sure it will be fine and my fears are unfounded, but that doesn't make it seem any easier.

Things are so cozy as our family of three. We are able to take turns parenting through the tantrums and fits as needed in the evenings. We can share responsibility of bathtime and teeth brushing giving the other person a reprieve. Once Camden is down we are able to spend time together or one of us gets the evening to hit the gym. We have our routines down, our parenting styles meshed - and here we are about to change it all with the addition of a newborn that will suck the time out of both of us and the sleep out of at least one of us. ;)

Will my adorable big boy feel neglected? Will he still get all the 1:1 time with each of us that he needs and craves? I feel so busy sometimes now, I know things are going to get much, much busier. But, all for the better and in the best way possible.

But it doesn't keep me from wondering how on earth it's all going to work out. I pray God will calm my fears, expand my love and especially my patience as I help my firstborn work out his little emotions regarding his changing status in the family. I pray He will give Camden a sweet big brother's heart full of love and adoration, and that this transition would go better than I could ever imagine.

We will find out in eight weeks or less!!

Mom Guilt.

Okay, Okay. I'll admit it. I have Mom Guilt. I find it sneaking up on me at the weirdest times.

The biggest thing I feel guilty about? Daycare.

Sending C to daycare has been one of the best yet hardest things for me as a Mommy. I love my job. I do. It is annoying and frustrating at times and is easy to get burned out, but I still enjoy it.

This is where it gets hard for me. I like my job, I love having an income. Yet, so many days I wake up and just want to grab my baby and return to bed and stay home for the day week.

Sometimes I feel SO guilty for leaving my little monkey in the care of others instead of being there for him. I feel like I am missing his little milestones. It's not that I worry about him at daycare, they are AWESOME there. They have tons of accreditations, they have had care plans and written goals posted for him monthly. We already had a parent teacher conference! (For my 7 month old!) They know what they are doing, they meet my requests and I know he is in good hands there. But I feel guilty leaving him there for 8+hours a day.

At the same time, I do enjoy my adult interaction. And I think it really helps me to appreciate the time I do get with C. I can't quit kissing/cuddling/snuggling him or trying to get him to smile. I love our home time in the evenings and on the weekends. I love knowing that by having a job I am saving money for his future and vacations and ensuring that husband and I will have a retirement plan in the future.

And that leaves me where I am now. Torn. I guess I need to just make the most of our off time together and snag as many snuggles as possible! The littlest C is growing by leaps and bounds and I am doing my best to document as best I can through his letters and pictures. It gives me such joy to care for this bouncing baby boy and not a day goes by that I don't thank God for allowing me the opportunity to care for this little angel.