My thoughts have been swirling for the past few days, as it seems to happen after a discharge from the hospital. The whole stay went smoothly, but I was surprised at how much I missed two of my dear friends - one being Andi and the other a doctor friend who moved on to another state to practice medicine. I found myself reflecting back on the aloneness while in the hospital - feeling like those that I knew were in my corner were no longer there to "check in" on me, if you will. And the last time we were inpatient - I had just become close to Andi. At that time I didn't realize I was only going to have a short span of one year with her - but in that one year to be impacted in far greater ways that I could ever imagine. To be educated on so many things, supported in vital ways, and calmed with a level of understanding and expertise that was invaluable in our daily life.
Some days the void of her loss doesn't seem so black and dark; or so deep and wide. But other days it's nearly impossible to crawl out of the expanse.
“For the LORD God is our sun and our shield. He gives us grace and glory. The LORD will withhold no good thing from those who do what is right. O LORD of Heaven’s Armies, what joy for those who trust in you.”
Psalms 84:11-12 NLT
This one verse right here. Been doing a lot of thinking on that trust word.
I pray at the beginning of each year for a word.
A word that God wants me to focus on. One that I can learn to fully live by and focus on. In 2014 my word was trust. We had been through so much in 2013, and Caysen was SO sick, I knew that I was still learning to fully trust and grasp what it meant to do so. Trust was what needed to be focused on. Especially since Caysen's Comprehensive Stage 2 was coming up in March of 2014. I had to learn to fully trust in God's plan; the things I couldn't see. It was an incredibly tough year, but I thought I had picked up the meaning of the word. I felt that I lived it, breathed it and learned to completely trust Him with handing Caysen over for such a HUGE surgery.
So this year, in January, I prayed again for my word. And I just could not shake the word "trust" again. I couldn't figure why I should have the same word, but each time I prayed, multiple times over the course of a couple of weeks, the Lord kept taking me back to that same word. Every. Time.
Looking back, I know now that was God nudging me back to that word for a reason. He knew what was to come this year, that I would shortly lose my best friend Andi, and that it would be the hardest, deepest and most painful loss of a loved one that I had yet to experience. Sure, I've lost friends and family but it was different for those losses as it may have been expected or seemed like it was time. That was not the case with Andi. So sudden, unexpected and unfair to us left behind that it has been so very excruciating. This year likely holds a surgery we didn't expect to be quite so soon. The difficult decision to have a littler and younger kid do the Fontan surgery isn't an easy one, especially when there can be so many complications when they are smaller. God knew the difficulty of what was to come that I couldn't see and He wanted me to TRUST in Him, yet again. Because the tests this year have been bigger. Deeper. Requiring more strength.
And for crying out loud, that trust thing is the hardest to get a hang of. Trusting that Andi had bigger things to fulfill in heaven. Trusting that taking her now - someone so young, smart, full of promise and drive to help others. The most knowledgeable person I have ever met - that taking her now was indeed for the best. Trusting that the timing of Caysen's surgery is perfect for him and his little broken heart. Trusting that he won't get sick and we can do this surgery before fall and before sick season. Trust, trust, trust, in more ways than one.
And just when i think I have it down, I realize that I might have wavered, or doubted. For trust walks hand in hand with faith. The faith that God will carry you through, that His ways are higher than our ways, that his plans for our future are better than we can imagine. Even when that involves heavenly plans for someone that we love dearly.
When you do finally fully trust in Him, it's like this verse says. He will withhold no good. Oh, what joy it is, to trust. So even though I'm still a work in progress at finding myself fully trusting, when one does succeed and see the blessings poured out hand over foot, or when you feel that comfort and peace knowing God has the future perfectly planned; it's like no other. And a little bit of trust, goes a long way. Once you start to trust Him fully with what you have, it becomes easier to give Him everything. And let me tell you, as difficult as it is - I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I couldn't do any of this without Him.
God is good, even when I don't understand. God is good, even when I don't see a future - or a way out. God is good, even when I'm hurting, or when Caysen or my family is hurting. God is good. He relentlessly and beautifully cares for us so deeply, that we can't fathom what a joy it is to Him, when we trust him fully. Do you trust Him? You should definitely give it a try.