Four Months: A Letter

Sweet Caysen,

Four months ago today I had just delivered you by c-section; and with my world still grey and blurry, I looked down at you with your cute little dimple and wondered if I would ever be able to see the actual color of your eyes. Would I be able to see you grow, but in color?

Little did I know what was to come. It seems so selfish of me to have been worried about what I would see, considering all you have been through.  Ironic that I was worried about seeing, because I have seen more than I would have ever thought, and most of it being how God carried you through everything. These past four months have been nothing short of amazing. Looking back at how much you endured, I'm still shocked that you are here today. You really defied all the odds, without a doubt.

I love that you get to be at home now for the most part. We are so incredibly blessed to have your Cici (my mom), to take care of you daily. I know without a doubt it is the BEST possible care, she loves on you, I mean dotes on you, puts you through your paces with PT and keeps you as germ free as possible. We are SO fortunate that she QUIT A JOB, yes, quit a job(!) for us Caysen! All so that your mommy could keep hers for now. That is so selfless, and we are truly the luckiest in the world to have her! Not a day goes by that I don't think how special it is that we have her, and boy is she pouring all of her energy INTO you and our little family.

This month you have had a ton of appointments. You now have seven doctors to follow up with, that leaves us with about 2-3 appointments a week, plus Sooner Start visits. We haven't even followed up with one, she didn't want to see you until you're six months or so! We have been hitting up the cardiologist either weekly or every other week since being discharged from the hospital. It makes mommy crazy, she doesn't like all the germs from going out so much. Hopefully we will get through some of these appointments and can have a hiatus. You picked up a brand new doctor this month - an ophthalmologist. Your neurologist decided it would be a good idea to get things checked out since you have had brain bleeds. He was the second doctor to ask recently if your eyes had been checked, so why not.

We have had a couple Sooner Start appointments in the home. Oh my goodness, just a little bit of work and you are a fussy camper. You need it though, we have go to keep you from getting stiff and we need you stronger! Being hospitalized for the first 69 of 72 days of life, of course you are behind.

This month you are still wearing size one diapers, wearing mostly 0-3 month or 3 month clothing. You have really started to fill out! Your last weight was 11 pounds and 7 ounces, you are 22 and 3/4 inches. You are still getting your continuous feeds over night and sleep fantastic, and during the day we are still working on your oral intake. You eat the best half asleep and relaxed. When you are awake? Not so much. You get about 85mls every three hours. Four days before four months old we got admitted to the hospital again for GI issues. Pooping bloody red diapers and not tolerating your feeds. Your O2 stats started dipping lower and you once again are proving you didn't read the textbooks and are a little mystery. They are treating for necrotizing enterocolitis yet they don't think that is truly the issue. Time will tell, and we pray for God's provision through this storm.

You continue to love watching your brother, you are talking and smiling more. Your neck muscles are starting to finally hold up those heavy cheeks of yours and we are starting to finally tolerate tummy time  a little more.

Your hair is awesome, and I'm not the only one that thinks that! It's definitely your daddy's hairline, but you have so much body. You have so much more hair than your brother ever did!

So often during this month, I have looked at you and just stared in wonder. You have been through so much, and I am just in awe of you. If it's not one thing thrown your way, its another. But little boy, we take it all in stride. Just know that all of this is just to show us how great God is. This month people keep reminding me how God is good. Then others ask, if he is good, why do bad things happen to good people? Well, Satan does the bad. But God has continually poured out his blessings in your life so far, and we will continue to wait expectantly for his blessings and keep our faith so he will show us his faithfulness. We cannot blame God for Satan's evil. Just remember when you doubt, that fear and worry creeps in and God is wiling to give, we must just ask. And we are asking for continued blessings in your life!

You are a true miracle, it just amazes me when staff at the hospital come in and ask if you are truly the same baby from that terrible day. They always say "oh but he looks SO good!", and they marvel at you after what you have been through so far. You, sir, already have SUCH a testimony.

Love you to the moon and back,
Mommy