You Think You Know...

You think you know, but you have no idea what it's like. Unless you have physically had your baby in the hospital for the first six weeks of his or her life. You have no idea how hard it is. How bad you just want your baby at home, so your family can be complete - and somewhat normal. 

You neglect yourself trying to get as much time in that small horse stall sized room as possible. You forget to eat, after all no food is allowed in the room. 

When you are with your baby, all you can think about is being at home with your big boy. When you are at home with the oldest all you can think about is the baby all alone at the hospital - being cared for by a nurse you just met yesterday, or just at shift change. It's hard - that feeling of being completely torn between two places and there not being enough of you to go around. 

In a week, I will return to work, with one kid at home and my newborn still in the hospital. That thought is simply nauseating, how on earth am I going to be in three places and not feel like someone or something is being neglected? 

Doctors keep giving us false hope about going home. The cardiologists come in and say its okay to go home with an NG tube. Then the neonatologists come in and say absolutely no way, that's too risky. The cardiologists say that he needs  to be bigger before he will eat better, and surely that can be done at home. The Neos say, too big of a risk of infection.

So we wait. Wait on him to eat better. Wait on him to be stronger and take his feeds by mouth. And just hope and pray that he gets to come home sooner rather than later.