Tuesday, July 27, 2010

You Might Be Nearing the End of Your Pregnancy If...

(Copyright MckMama)

…you’re beginning to wish you’d never mocked muumuus.

…all you really wanted for your birthday, besides a banana clip, was a foley catheter

…your stretch marks are getting their own stretch marks

…you’re seriously considering selling one of your kidneys, just so you can get rid of your kidney stone pain.

…you’ve actually priced muumuus out online. Or at least considered it.

…when ordering two cheeseburgers at the drive through, you end with, “And that’ll do it for us,” so that it sounds like more than one person will be eating the burgers. You justify this little falsehood by telling yourself that, technically, that is precisely true.

…you actually know what a muumuu is.

…you have developed superpowers and can now sense when someone is going to ask, “Can’t be much longer, huh?” even before they even ask.

…your ankles have gone missing.

…you ordered a muumuu but used a fake name. If the muumuu gets delivered when one of your hip, skinny, childless friends is over, you can pretend you accidentally got some old, fat, fuddy duddy lady’s order.

…you hear about the friend of a friend who has been in labor for ten hours. And you’re jealous.

…the people at Chipotle know you by name and ask if “you and the babe would like your regular?”

…you find your skinny jeans in the closet, and the sight of the tiny, denim waist makes you throw up in your mouth a little.

…when you heave yourself out of bed at night, you make sounds like a mother walrus giving birth probably makes.

…your frequent need to urinate in the night has you celebrating your sleep milestones as one would for a newborn: “I slept for four hours straight last night! And the night before, I had two back to back three hour stretches!”

…you can’t see your feet. And you don’t even care.

…you can’t remember exactly how many weeks along you are. And you don’t even care. You just know that it’s not enough.

…you can’t remember the last time you took your prenatal vitamin, yet you know precisely when you enjoyed your last bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios.

…everything you own is too small for you. Including your socks. And your wedding rings, although it’s far too late to take them off. The rings, that is.

…you consider actually popping the next person who tells you that you look “about ready to pop!”

…you’ve contemplated ways to break your own water.

…your underwear looks like your mom’s.

…you can’t wait to hurry up and give birth so that you can fit into your maternity clothes again.

…you go pee, stand up, sit back down and go pee again!

…if you get out of the tub and are truly surprised at how little water was actually in the tub.

…when your husband asks “Babe, can you scoot over a little? I’m about to fall off the bed.” and you answer “So am I!!!!!”

…You have to use the “Hope and Poke” method of putting shoes on, cuz you can’t actually see anything anymore…..

…When looking at the itty bitty sales clerk with the cute little baby bump (and no other fat on her body), you ask her, “Oh, when is your baby due?” When she answers, “Oh, just two more weeks to go… how about you?”… you look at your larger than life 32 week pregnant body and answer, “Oh… I’m 15 months pregnant. Apparently I have the gestation period of a whale. Who knew?” and walk away……

…you’re 38 weeks pregnant with twins (and enormous) and at the grocery store. There’s a guy in the lane next to you with piercings everywhere, a mohawk, and tattoos and everyone around is staring at YOU!

…you’re very pregnant with twins at an OB visit and you just wave the cup around underneath you trying to catch a sample because you have no idea where it is.

…when you start telling your husband that HE can have the next baby.

…you would really like to go to church but the only thing that still fits is a bedsheet and it isn’t Christmas and they aren’t having a dress as Mary contest…

…you’ve never been so thankful to be in this much discomfort, and you know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it will be worth it all.

No comments:

Post a Comment