Teen Suicides

Lately there have been teen suicides all over the news in Oklahoma.

The two football players, one who died in a car accident and the other friend who was so broken up about it he killed himself.

The most recent one being from my college town, where an eighth grader shot and killed himself in a crowded hallway ten minutes before the final bell rang to start the day. Students in the hallway turned around to see him sink to the ground with blood everywhere.

I work in a psychiatric hospital, where I deal with this all the time. I hear of past patients that have succeeded in killing themselves and deal with suicidal ideation on a daily basis.

As much as you would think I would be numb about hearing these things, I was still sickened to hear about it. It is absolutely tragic.

Maybe part of the reason it hits so hard is that I have lived it.

It was the summer before my senior year. I was excited for my mostly easy electives like soccer manager and yearbook editor with two of my close friends.

To prepare us for our leadership role, we were able to attend an awesome leadership camp for free, the same one all of the student councils from all over the state were to attend.

Angie, Kristin and I were having a blast. Meeting people and learning so much. Kristin suddenly had to leave early because her uncle was sick. She reassured Angie and I that we should stay, she would be fine. She gave us big hugs and promised to talk soon, smacking her favorite gum as we parted ways.

That was the last time I saw her.

About two weeks later, Angie calls me upset and crying. She had caught me in a dead sleep so it took a minute for me to register what she was trying to say.

She was gone.

I remember the emotions as they came. Surprise. Shock. Denial. I remember it took me quite a while to grasp. I kicked myself for not calling and checking on her after leaving leadership camp. I learned she was Bipolar and that was something I hadn't known before. (I think that realization is what got me interested in my field, and that why I work with mental health now.)

It was a tough year, many people missed her. My whole year in yearbook class was a constant reminder of who was missing. A reminder of who should have been there with us. I still have my Doc Martens that were popular my junior year. The ones that she wrote on the bottom of them with red pen, "KK loves you" during a yearbook class. She got buried with a picture of her and I, smiling big into the camera.

I want people to know lots of things. Suicide isn't the answer. It may seem like the answer. It may solve your problems permanently, but you will permanently effect those around you, for the worse. Don't let Satan steal your future! Don't let depression or bullying take over and win, followed by a suicide. Talk to someone. Get help. Because killing yourself leaves a wake of disaster for far more people than you can fathom. Also, just when you think you aren't loved, or you are no good? Jesus disagrees. He loves you and cares for you and is waiting for you to turn to his loving arms for comfort. And his arms are always open.

So?

Don't do it. It's not worth it. Consider asking for help.

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-8255.

And don't bully people either. Be kind to one another!

RIP KK

Life Verse

This just happens to be Camden's life verse.

This verse states: The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (NIV)

Isn't that just an amazing thought? I love it. 

I suppose that's why I kept going back to it when I was picking out his life verse. I found lots of verses that spoke to me but this one? This one was definitely it.

Petri Dish

Having a two year old in daycare is seriously like having my very own little Petri dish.

Wednesday afternoon his teachers called me from class to say Camden had thrown up. They said he had his afternoon snack of cheese, ate it pretty quickly and then went running with his friends outside. They weren't concerned, thinking it was a combination of that. When I walked in to pick him up at 3:05, homeboy was on the playground without a shirt and they were stripping off his shoes.

Not. A. Good. Sign.

Turns out he had taken a drink from the water cooler and then ran over to the sandbox and then had some more explosive vomit.

Awesome. But what was really awesome about it? I had a haircut scheduled for that afternoon. I was abnormally excited about this haircut because it had been since 2/22 AKA 7 MONTHS. That is NOT normal, or should it really ever be acceptable.

What's a desperate split-ended Momma to do?

She took her chances and went to get her hair done. And on the way? Little C continued to vomit. That's when I realized the first voms? Weren't a fluke. NOT cool.

He laid on my lap and chest while I got my hair washed, vomiting twice. Then he sat on my mom's lap while I got my hair cut. I bailed out of there, without even getting my hair dried, hoping that we could get home. He vomited probably 5-6 times in the car, and countless times at the hair salon.

We came home and poor kid laid on the floor and was sickly all night. He didn't talk much, usually just screaming after each pathetic vomit. And I use the term vomit loosely. I mean, most of the time nothing came out. And when it did? It was foamy spit. No fun. He didn't eat, just begged for milk or juice occasionally.

We put him straight to bed that night, only one instance of vomming while in bed. And Momma caught it all in a bowl. He woke up at 2 am, crying for milk. We tried to ignore him, but he kept demanding. So finally husband gets up to find little C in his chair, rocking and insisting on milk.

I think we put him back to bed while cried "no, no! no lay down!", repeatedly. Finally he fell asleep but woke back up after thirty minutes or so. Finally, I relented. He got one ounce of pedialyte and held it down. Of course he demanded more, so after thirty minutes and that stayed down I gave him a little more. Enough to get him to sleep until my alarm went off at five.

We got up and sent little C to great grandma's. He was fine there, demanding milk until she gave in. They went on a walk, he played and only napped an hour. Therefore he fell asleep early Thursday night, which was much needed.

And early bedtime was not needed just because I barely got sleep the night before, but because my throat started KILLING me halfway through my day Thursday. I was so tired on top of that - I didn't have energy to even talk. I came home and that night? I had a wicked fever. No fun.

I woke up Friday, took little C to school and went to work. Called my doctor as soon as I could get an appointment, with my complaints of rapid onset of throat pain, fever and headache.

When I went to the doctor, I met with the PA who was determined that I just had a viral throat infection. He insisted that my low grade fever wasn't high enough to be related to strep. He gave me instructions about how to deal with a virus then said "well I will do a strep test but if this comes back negative there isn't much we can do, but wait it out". So he was pretty darn sure that it was just going to be viral. So sure that he wasn't even going to run a 24 hour strep test, when I know fully well that the rapid strep test is only right like 60% of the time.

Much to his surprise, that bad boy turned positive. And you could hear it in his voice when he said, "oh! It looks like it is positive!" Ha. I wanted to pump my fist all in the air and say "TOLD YOU SO" but figured that wasn't appropriate. I just knew it came on too fast and I had no other symptoms that would make me think it was related to allergies or even a virus.

I continued to mention that my husband was complaining of the same symptoms and luckily he agreed to give husband a prescription for the same.

Husband and I are both taking our meds, and as I'm starting to feel better I am attempting to wash/santitize anything that might have germies on it so we don't reinfect ourselves.

I am definitely not in the mood to do this again anytime soon.

Random Phone Pics/Instagrams

I saw this the other day and it just made me think of how many of my patients actually go through this. It all has to do with September. She's one of my favorite bloggers and I love that she tells it honestly like it is as she struggles with depression. It's an admirable thing, really. Click HERE to read it. It's not long and worth a quick glance.


I get to using my phone and tend to take LOTS of pics. Here are some pictures from my phone. Enjoy the randomness!

Went to lunch with a bestie at Chuy's.
This is on the back of the silverware. Cool!

I think he may run out of animals to put in his bed...

Suicide Awareness Day was Monday, September 10th.
In honor of it, you were supposed to write 'Love' on your Arm and wear yellow.
RIP KK

Opening a birthday present in the car.

Father/Son footsteps while playing outside. 

Reunited with my opal ring thanks to my bestie Missy from AU.

Someone fell asleep while drinking milk in the car.
He looks SO precious here. Look at those lashes! I just want to kiss those cheeks.

Boy, Photography has come a long way, huh? Me.

Church. LOVE.

The rabbit in C's new classroom. His name is Jasper. Like from Twilight.

I bruised my elbow. Ow!!

My babies cuddling. See his hand on her?

He LOVED a friend's cat. Like I wanted him to have his own he was so obsessed.

Still hugging the cat....

We went out to dinner the other night.
This is husband's Chicken Fried Steak.
He says it is on the smaller side.

Sheldon, get your feet off the furniture!

I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about Sheldon quite a bit.

Cause I do. It's natural, right? I mean, what's he doing in there, just chillin' with his feet up reading a magazine and drinking a cold one?

Has he been there all my life? Did he show up with hormone changes like pregnancy? Has he grown a lot or has he always just existed? Where exactly is he?

It's weird having all these questions to ask and no way to really answer. Not until I meet a doctor at least. Oh, ya know...One of those people that I have had to hurry up and wait for.

The latest on the doctor saga is this: our health system moves SLOW. I asked for a referral and my doc reluctantly put one in to OU Neurology. (in my eyes, that should have been a red flag right there..OU?? Bleh.) They had two full weeks before I started calling them up. Finally when I did it took everything I had to not go all Charlie Sheen on them or something. I called three times in one day, clearly stating my issue and how I already have scans from a very fancy machine here in town and I just need them read. I'm telling the receptionist my life story when she finally looks me up on the computer and says "oh you're in the system, the referral specialist will call you back". So I waited for that call from the referral specialist.

Nothing.

So I called again the early next day, this time with a hint of frustration and pissy in my tone. The same receptionist stating, "oh I remember you, she should call back. Be sure and leave her a message honey". By the end of that day with no return call, I called my primary doc and requested a new referral.

Turns out they are equally slow paced, taking FOUR days to put in a new referral even though this time I was specific on which doctor I wanted as even provided them with the name, address and phone of the new doctor.

So, there I was. In a holding pattern. Luckily for me, Husband has a fantastic cousin whose amazing spouse works with MRIs.

And he was able to hook me up. I have these CDs in my possession that I can't open at home cause I have a Mac. Even if I could open them my untrained eye wouldn't see anything. So he was able to take them to work and tell me what he thought.

And he says it's definitely there. It's definitely hanging out. Looks like a cyst? He said he has seen some Sheldon's before, and he did a little research on them. Apparently they are more common in women. Definitely will need a follow up scan with contrast.

Not sure what the plan will be but since I have no symptoms? It looks like he gets to continue to sit back and chill on his couch that is my brain and drink his beer, as long as the neurosurgeon agrees.

I can't tell you what a relief it is to at least have a little insight into the situation. It has been so hard to be patient. I am learning so much from this, learning to be still, be calm.

I've been reading some of Steven Furtick's book Sun Stand Still. And it's about teaching you how to pray and to believe God can do the impossible. So, I'm taking a huge lesson and leap of faith and putting it all in His hands. What else is there to do? Honestly, this solution allows me the most peace anyway. How people do without that peace?

I'll (thankfully) never know.

Birthday Party Pics Part 2

Here are some more birthday pics, cause if I don't post them, I'll be disappointed in myself later.

 I loved the party, every aspect of it. Who it was thrown with, who came, how we put it together and the family time after. It was so much fun, and such a great distraction from Sheldon. Much needed for sure! I think I already mentioned that all of the party was DIY. I made the Subway Art myself, and the banner myself. We baked the cakes ourselves, made our own icings and made the Oreo Mickey's. We made our own decorations including the Mickey pants and Minnie hairbow to go on our dessert table and planned out our food ourselves. My awesome co-party thrower MADE the pinata. I mean really, we are so awesome. :) 

One of my favorite captures!!!

The cake table!

The birthday girl and a friend.

blowing out the candles.

The birthday girls' big brother. Isn't he the cutest? He's also the sweetest!

Blowing out bubbles

Playing in the dirt with the boys.
It was after this that the dirt incident happened.

Aunt Marcie is the best present opener helper!

Party Pics...

In no particular order I have Party Pics from the bday. I don't know why my pictures show up in my layout all wonky, but oh well. I hope they work for you!

The table set up.

The cakes and cupcakes. They TOTALLY rocked.

eating his own personal cake. Yum!!!

Why use your hands when you can just stick your face in the cake?

A family picture with a no-so-cooperative 2 year old.

Emma's subway art

My favorite picture of the day, courtesy of Jennie. I LOVE the budda belly!

Mickey and Minnie Oreos!

This is from the night before. Camden learned how to climb a fence.
They were SO cute!!

Kinley came dressed to the nines for the festivities!

More to come!!!

My boy.

I love this boy. And he loved his birthday balloons.

I'm so lucky he's all ours!

Another Zoo Visit in the books

A few weeks ago, Husband needed to take a day of vacation before losing an accumulation of his hours. It was right around C's birthday, and it was the day after Husband's birthday. I was off already for working the weekend, so we decided to go do something fun for the boys' birthdays. This is where our zoo membership comes in! Luckily it was still in August when the zoo opens a full two hours earlier than normal, so we could get up and go early and get lots in before naptime. What was super awesome about this was it seems that most feeding times are pretty early in the morning, so we were there in enough time to watch the lions and snow leopards get fed. We stuck around to watch the Sea Lion show and even played on the playground. It was a fun little family outing and Little C seemed to really enjoy it as well. We are determined to get our money's worth out of our little membership, so hopefully we will go back soon!! Unfortunately, I forgot to pack my good camera and left it plugged in at home charging. So, these are all phone pics. Thank goodness for technology!

This is a Kudu. It looked a lot like a deer, and was RIGHT next to us.

watching the giraffes

the earless goat thingy, in the Children's petting zoo.

feeding time for the lions. Yes, that is a keg that must be a toy. Keepin' in classy.

They actually hide their meat all around and make them work to find it.

Waving to the animals.

Feeding time for the snow leopards.

Petting the goats.

Getting all defensive and showing her teeth.

Momma cheetah and her babies that were born in April.

This is Sandra. 

This is what Sandra is. 

Sandra followed us around and Camden waved at her alot. Curious little bird.

Yup. Still earless.

Do you see the sloth?

Okay here's a close up!!

We had a blast at the zoo. Can't wait to go back!!